i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
