I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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