To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
