If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize