Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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