I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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