Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
