I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just cropdusted the office
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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