Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
