i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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