Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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