when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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