$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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