I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
