i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
