then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
