Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
