i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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