He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
