I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i've created a new STD.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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