cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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