I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
