I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
