Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I hate all girls vehemently.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
