Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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