I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
