so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
