Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
