I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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