Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
