am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
