You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
