I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
