just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
