You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
