We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
