It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
