I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
