I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
