ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
