Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
