Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
