something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
