I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
