Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
