Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
