i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
