It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
