He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
