I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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