I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You have to summon your inner elephant
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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