Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
