I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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