I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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