Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
