cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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