i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
