The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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