i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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