Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Randomize
